Goodbye Baby Chip

A personal account of a miscarriage that I have written to help me come to terms with my loss and also to act as a record of a fleeting life.
On Friday 26^th April, we discovered that I was five weeks pregnant. We were overjoyed and a little awed at the prospect of welcoming a new member into our little family. All the signs over the next few weeks were of a normal healthy pregnancy and it was becoming increasingly tricky to disguise my growing bump. Little did we know that seven weeks later I would start to miscarry when a scan revealed that the baby did not have a heartbeat. I always knew that a miscarriage was a terrible experience but I had no idea that it would be so painful, prolonged and frightening or end in emergency surgery after two failed attempts at medical management.

Whilst recovering back at home, I struggled to come to terms with the loss. Not only was I in physical pain but I also felt bereft and heartbroken. As the time passed I knew that I needed something tangible to mark the event and acknowledge a life that was never meant to last for long. I began to think about western ways of dealing with death but none of them seemed to be appropriate. Then I remembered the ceremonies that I have witnessed in Japan and Hong Kong. I have always felt an affinity with Buddhist teachings and found their religious ceremonies and temples to be calming.  I realise that religion is not to be dipped in and out of but I really needed a way of acknowledging the fact that I would never get to hold or meet my lost baby.

These thoughts led me to think about the use of paper votives, street shrines (which I have posted about before) and Jizo statues. I first came across Jizo statues in temples and at roadsides when I lived in Japan. I was intrigued to know why certain small statues were adorned with hats and bibs. I later learnt from my Japanese friends that they were used to represent the souls of dead children.

Jizo Statues photo by Al McDermid

Jizo is a Bodhisattva who looks after women, children (including the souls of unborn children) and travellers. Jizo statues are a physical marker of a loss of a child and a protector. They are used in Mizuko Kuyo, which is a Japanese ceremony held in Buddhist temples for those who have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion. Mizuko beautifully translates as "water child” which for me seems a really fitting description of a lost baby. 

After thinking about these traditions, I decided that I wanted to create a paper offering that could be released as a simple farewell. I settled on the idea of an origami boat which would be set free by the action of it floating down a gentle stream at Dunham Massey, one of our favourite places. I printed off my favourite wedding photo (that has myself, my husband and son on it) and wrote a letter to baby Chip from all of us before folding it up into a paper boat. I later added 4x sails to symbolise each one of us, with the largest sail representing baby Chip. We floated the boat away the other evening and as time is passing I feel physically better and now hope that the act of saying goodbye will help my emotional healing.

Goodbye baby Chip. 

Votive Paper People

Whilst in Hong Kong, we stumbled across some intriguing small shops that were packed to the rafters with paper products. These items were all intended to be burnt as offerings to the dead. The paper products ranged from bundles of gold stamped paper and fake paper money to three dimensional paper cars, houses, clothes and people. They even sold paper iPads and paper laptops! We ended up buying a paper boy and girl dressed in their pyjamas. I couldn’t bear the thought of such lovely objects going up in smoke.

Worshippers usually visit temples or shrines to cast their votive objects into an open fire. However, in Hong Kong we witnessed these acts of worship on the street, amidst the hustle and bustle of every day life. In one area, several ladies had set up make shift shrines underneath a busy underpass where buses and trams trundled by. The burning of paper tigers seemed to be popular here. Most markets also had a small metal container where people could burn sheets of paper. This to me seemed like a fast food approach to religion!

The burning of paper is a Buddhist tradition practised in China, Vietnam and Korea. The paper items, or votives, are ceremonially burnt during festivals. The main time to burn these votive objects is during the seventh lunar month and a week before the Lunar New Year, also known as Tết Nguyên Đán. The intention is to commemorate the dead and send the votive objects to their dead ancestors. Some people hope that by doing this, their dead ancestors will be pleased and in return help them out in their business dealings or health. Funerals are another occasion when paper is burnt and this is usually in the form of fake paper money.