Sunday 7 July 2013

Goodbye Baby Chip


A personal account of a miscarriage that I have written to help me come to terms with my loss and also to act as a record of a fleeting life.
On Friday 26th April, we discovered that I was five weeks pregnant. We were overjoyed and a little awed at the prospect of welcoming a new member into our little family. All the signs over the next few weeks were of a normal healthy pregnancy and it was becoming increasingly tricky to disguise my growing bump. Little did we know that seven weeks later I would start to miscarry when a scan revealed that the baby did not have a heartbeat. I always knew that a miscarriage was a terrible experience but I had no idea that it would be so painful, prolonged and frightening or end in emergency surgery after two failed attempts at medical management.

Whilst recovering back at home, I struggled to come to terms with the loss. Not only was I in physical pain but I also felt bereft and heartbroken. As the time passed I knew that I needed something tangible to mark the event and acknowledge a life that was never meant to last for long. I began to think about western ways of dealing with death but none of them seemed to be appropriate. Then I remembered the ceremonies that I have witnessed in Japan and Hong Kong. I have always felt an affinity with Buddhist teachings and found their religious ceremonies and temples to be calming.  I realise that religion is not to be dipped in and out of but I really needed a way of acknowledging the fact that I would never get to hold or meet my lost baby.

These thoughts led me to think about the use of paper votives, street shrines (which I have posted about before) and Jizo statues. I first came across Jizo statues in temples and at roadsides when I lived in Japan. I was intrigued to know why certain small statues were adorned with hats and bibs. I later learnt from my Japanese friends that they were used to represent the souls of dead children.
Jizo Statues photo by Al McDermid
Jizo is a Bodhisattva who looks after women, children (including the souls of unborn children) and travellers. Jizo statues are a physical marker of a loss of a child and a protector. They are used in Mizuko Kuyo, which is a Japanese ceremony held in Buddhist temples for those who have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion. Mizuko beautifully translates as "water child” which for me seems a really fitting description of a lost baby. 

After thinking about these traditions, I decided that I wanted to create a paper offering that could be released as a simple farewell. I settled on the idea of an origami boat which would be set free by the action of it floating down a gentle stream at Dunham Massey, one of our favourite places. I printed off my favourite wedding photo (that has myself, my husband and son on it) and wrote a letter to baby Chip from all of us before folding it up into a paper boat. I later added 4x sails to symbolise each one of us, with the largest sail representing baby Chip. We floated the boat away the other evening and as time is passing I feel physically better and now hope that the act of saying goodbye will help my emotional healing.
Goodbye baby Chip. 

14 comments:

  1. Clare, I have just read this beautiful blog with a lump in my throat. My heart goes out to you and your family. I was unfortunate enough to lose 4 children (2 miscarriages, ectopic and stillbirth) before being blessed with my 2 boys. Please take solace in the fact that time is a great healer, you'll never forget Chip, but the sorrow / anger / pain you feel currently will become easier in the days, weeks, years to come. That I can tell you in all sincerity. What a heart-warming way for you all to say goodbye. My thoughts are with you. Lisa

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    1. Hi Lisa, I am so sorry to hear of the heart breaking time that you have had. Many thanks for the kind words and advice. Clare

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  2. Goodbye indeed. So terribly sorry for your loss. It's very brave of you to share this with the world xx

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  3. Beautifully honest, losing a little soul is never easy xx take care Clare

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    1. Thanks Louise, wasn't sure whether to post this or not in terms of it being so personal. However reading forums & articles has really helped me out so I decided to go ahead & do it.

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  4. I'm so sorry Clare. Big hugs xxx

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  5. I lost a little girl at 20 weeks and it's heartbreaking. But sharing your thoughts and reading about other people's experiences does help. You realise you're not alone. Give yourself time and immerse yourself in your little fella! They are the best healers. My thoughts are with you and your family x x x x

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    1. Thank you, appreciate your advice. My little fella has definitely kept me going! x

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  6. Thank you and I am sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. I hope that you had lots of support. My little fella has definitely kept me going these past few weeks! x

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  7. I just found you via a link on facebook and just read this post. So sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you can take time out to nurture yourself. The little boat is beautiful. I am sure baby chip loved it. All the best. xxx

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    1. Thank you Nicky. I am busy creating again - doctors orders! And it is really helping me to look forward. Happier posts to follow soon.

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  8. Oh thank you so much for posting this. I had 3 rounds of IVF which produced embryos but no pregnancies. I really want to have a ceremony and I'm so happy to see someone else blogging about it. thank you thank you.

    wishing you love and magic

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